The Pain of Loneliness
We are all lonely most of the time.
Sometimes this is a pleasure and we relish being alone.
This is our solitude.
Sometimes we don’t notice our aloneness because we are focussed on something meaningful, valuable, necessary or important to us.
Sometimes we are avoiding the pain of loneliness by distracting ourselves.
Screens are very powerful for doing this.
Sometimes we feel the acute pain of loneliness and separation because we crave warmth and connection with another, or we can’t stand being with just ourselves in the moment.
Like all pain it is a messenger. If we listen it tells us what it really wants for us.
Deep pain asks for deep enquiry and patience, and often requires a midwife or steward to help us negotiate our prejudices.
The deep pain of loneliness is often our soul calling to us, imploring us to listen and connect. Often we don’t have the humility to give up our time and bring our full attention. If this is true, what does it say about how we are living our lives?
Paradoxically, it is not easy beginning this enquiry alone. Most often we feel moody in relation to this pain and just want to be rid of it. With the guidance and support of another we can approach more humbly and listen more carefully. When we have processed our moods and reactions more, we can feel more willingness to go to it’s heart. When we are being more open to it’s message it will invariably feel more open to speaking to us.
Creating the time and space to do this is a sacred act and reflects a profound kindness and generosity towards ourselves. The creative and healing juices in our bodies respond to this and we can feel renewed joy and enthusiasm for our lives simply because we feel more integrated and whole, and connected with our soul.
I worked with a man once who felt haunted and wretched from the pain of his loneliness. In the earlier part of his life he mistook his loneliness for the desire for sexual gratification. in the first 20 years of his adulthood he had numerous ungratifying relationships, often lasting no more than two years. When he came to me he was beginning to feel open and curious towards this mysteriously unsatiated desire he was feeling which deep down he sensed was fuelling and perpetuating his loneliness.
Initially he presented with an array of frustrating energies, habits and impulses most of which when we explored them, tracked back to his thrashing reactions to being hooked on the line of this deep unmet longing.
As we repeatedly arrived at this place of longing something deep began stirring and calling in him and the moment came where he was truly able to surrender and follow this.
As he allowed himself to begin to feel all the deep longing and loneliness, really underneath most of his desires and yearnings, he shook for some time in the raw and complete grief and felt sense of this recognition.
From this place a new and profound connection and appreciation of himself as a meaningful soul who had deep love to give emerged, and as a result he became more somebody who was able to provide true love and acceptance of another. Ultimately this lead to longer and more fulfilling relationships because he was increasingly able to fill his own cup with the nectar he was craving, and less living as though he was dependant on it from another.